Breaking
by manhattanProject
Summary: Who was it that led you on and makes you want to hurt me so? Who do you want to forget who forgot you long ago? Do you still feel him calling in the air tonight? Alex/Mitchie one-shot/songfic


**thought of this while the song came on shuffle and it never left my head. (Breaking by Anberlin, great song)**

**i wrote this in a day, the bulk of it in an hour or two. i apologize. it's a mess. i don't even know.**

* * *

I thought she had wanted someone to want her back, the way she always intended to love; the way I knew she was capable of. Maybe I was wrong the whole time because she never really had a grasp on the concept. But then again maybe I didn't either.

I had this whole convoluted notion that she was this perfect being that I just _had_ to have even more than I already did. I think it takes everything falling apart to see every little piece. You never pay attention to what makes up a building, all the separate little parts that come together to make the beautiful structure you see every single day. But when you knock it down and tear it apart you can see the rubble it's really made of. That was Mitchie.

She was beautiful in more ways than I could ever dream to describe but she was made of tiny little scraps that I could never see piece by piece. All I ever saw was the whole and it makes me think that maybe I never really knew my best friend as well as I thought I did. Or maybe I was just blinded by how in love with her I was.

And she knew it. I got drunk one night at a bar and stupidly asked her if she was aware that I was in love with her.

She wasn't. But she sure as hell knew from then on out.

I didn't know what to do about it. I mean, she was my best friend after all and she promised it wouldn't make things weird although her boyfriend at the time, Shane—my favorite person on the planet—knew how strongly I felt about her. And Mitchie knew how much I wished she would just leave that manipulative asshole once and for all.

We were exact opposites, Shane and I. I would say the only thing we had in common was that we both loved Mitchie but that was probably a stretch. If you love someone you don't treat them the way Shane _always_ ended up treating Mitchie. Ask me if she ever understood that. Go ahead, ask.

Spoiler alert: she didn't.

He was a few years older than we were and should have been everything Mitchie was looking for. I think that was what initially drew her in. He was a—seemingly—handsome twenty five year old college graduate with a steady job at a bank. He was a clean cut guy; perfectly groomed and styled hair, nice clothes and style, charming smile, and very polite with adults. I was a struggling college senior who worked at her uncle's liquor store and possessed questionable social skills.

But Mitchie was my best friend for around five years and I honestly wished I never would have fallen in love with the girl because I never would have seen the person she could really be. I truly feel like ignorance would have been such goddamn bliss if things would have just stayed the way they were. I wouldn't have to deal with the way Mitchie could be because I would never be in a relationship with her. She would be someone else's problem.

I know it doesn't sound like I love her but anyone would think I was neurotic for how long I spent pining after her. I watched her and Shane break up and get back together more times than I can count, or more times that I would _like_ to count, and still waited as if she would magically wake up from this ridiculous spell Shane had her under.

He would break up with her for some stupid reason like _I just don't feel like this is going anywhere_ or _I'm not sure how I feel_ meanwhile she'll get back together with him when he finally decides what he wants only to have him change his mind a few months further down the road. And then the whole thing will start over again.

And where was I the whole time? Sitting on the sidelines picking up the pieces he left behind.

It was always the same. I'd ask, "Why do you keep taking him back when you know he's going to pull the same bullshit again?"

And she would answer, "I don't know."

And I would think she would just leave it at that but she always added, "I love him."

It was nauseating. But I was supposed to play the role of the supportive best friend all while trying to kick her ass to make her see what was best for her. But it was harder to do when I was simultaneously trying to not make her feel like I was shoving my own feelings down her throat while she was vulnerable.

_Of course_ I would want her to leave Shane. I was in love with her for crying out loud. It was the perfect opportunity to show her what she was missing, right? Wrong. I bit my tongue every single time because I didn't want to pressure her. God my sensitivity when it came to her was unbelievable I don't know how I didn't explode from holding everything back.

She would be crying in my lap on my bed after another breakup and I would run my fingers through her hair and listen to her broken rambling mixed in with inaudible complaints about herself that I couldn't ever seem to understand.

"_God_," she would say. "What the fuck am I doing wrong?"

Isn't that hilarious? Some guy fucked her over for the twentieth time and she's sitting there wondering what the problem with _her_ is to make _him_ leave. Never mind that he was a douchebag who couldn't make up his mind and used her to make him feel better about himself.

"You didn't do anything," I would tell her. "You never do anything. It's not your fault he's like this. This is just the way he is Mitch you know that. Stop blaming yourself."

I never understood why she was always the one feeling sorry for herself as if Shane wasn't the one who didn't have his shit together, emotionally anyway.

And other times she would come up with all of these excuses for him.

"Maybe he's just going through something."

Fifty separate fucking times?

"Maybe I'm just hard to love."

I was doing it perfectly fine.

"Maybe it's just not the right time for us."

It hasn't been for the last two years but okay keep trying it seems to be working for you.

"Maybe he's right."

He wasn't. He never will be. About anything. Ever.

She always seemed like she wouldn't mind playing into the idea of us. And that was something I never understood either. She never acted on it but she would ask me about my feelings for her when Shane and her would break up and she would have this curious look on her face as she would think it over in her head and she would smile at me and leave me hanging every single time.

We were at a bar once with everyone when she was single and she was sitting with me on the stools. Shane was there too and I secretly always wondered if she would purposely get closer to me when he was around just to get a reaction out of him. I never paid attention to it before because all I could think about was how soft her skin would feel if I touched her thigh in that moment.

"You need to cut your hair," was her simple comment to me. I remember shaking my messy hair and pushing it to the side and out of my eyes. It was fairly long and usually unkempt but I liked it that way.

"Why what's wrong with it?" I asked and she smiled at me, biting the straw in her vodka soda and tilting her head to the side.

"It's all over the place."

"I thought you liked my lion's mane," I joked and it made her laugh; the kind where she closed her eyes and breathed out through her nose for most of it, shaking her head as if to say _you're an idiot_.

"I do."

It was another one of the _differences_ between Shane and I that I wondered if Mitchie ever sat and thought about. She liked the clean and handsome look from Shane but at the same time she always told me she loved how _grungy_ I was. I thought it was an insult until she said she liked it and told me I pulled it off.

"Well sorry, should I keep it short and neat and mousse the everloving crap out of it like Shane?" I teased and it was something that should have bothered her but she would always laugh when I would make fun of him. When they were together I would keep the comments to myself but when they were apart she loved the insults.

"No, God no, I kind of like yours better anyway. It's just a _little_ messy."

"It's to match the rest of my life."

She laughed again, that time placing her hand on my arm and leaning her head against my shoulder. I could see Shane looking at us from the corner of my eye but I didn't care then because I had his ex on my arm and she would rather be hanging out with me than him.

"I think you're doing fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah, who cares if you don't have everything figured out? We're still young. Lord knows I'm not all there yet. We can be messes together," she said and I liked the sound of _together_.

It was things like that, those dumb little words and sentences and conversations that she would just randomly throw into the mix that kept me hanging on when I knew I should have let go a long time ago.

I never tried to interfere with her relationship and I could tell she was always thankful for that even if she wouldn't say it directly. As much as I would have wanted to try and _steal her_ from Shane—not that she belonged to him or to anybody in the first place—I knew it wasn't fair. She wasn't mine and she wasn't his. But he always ended up with her anyway. It's like she made herself his property.

She had stayed away from Shane, cutting off all ties with him that time. I was thrilled. I was so happy that she seemed to be finally moving on from him and all the toxic bullshit he brought on her life. She could finally breathe without him and even though she had her days where she missed him terribly, so much to the point where she felt like she couldn't breathe, she was okay.

It was nearing the end of my senior year and the weather was getting hotter than usual. We had taken a week off—a personal holiday—to escape the chaos of exams and final papers and all that. Her family had a summer house out east in Montauk on the water and we had gone together to get away from everything for a while.

It was calm and peaceful. There was a long dock that led out into the ocean where her dad's boat was kept and we would always sit on the edge facing the view of the horizon. It always made her smile and I loved seeing her happy like that.

She was in a blue and green sundress that she had to pull a little bit down toward her knee when we would sit on the dock so the breeze wouldn't blow it up too high. Her hair was slightly curly and up in a ponytail while I sat beside her in denim shorts and a black Patent Pending tank top that used to be a t-shirt until I cut the sleeves off.

Her legs were tanned and exposed and I was dying trying to keep my hands to myself when she turned and swung them over mine dangling over the edge of the dock.

She had become a lot more _touchy_ with me since her latest breakup with Shane but I thought it was curious since he was literally nowhere in sight. She couldn't have been trying to make him jealous. We were the only ones out there.

"Do you wanna just live here with me?" she asked randomly. I turned my head to look at her instead of staring at her legs pretending I was looking at the ocean under me.

"What like after college?"

"No I mean like right now. You wanna just not go back home? It's so much nicer out here with you."

"We can't just run away from our problems, Mitch."

"What problems? I don't have any problems anymore. I don't have problems when I'm with you," she admitted and I fought with myself to not misinterpret that.

"I have my baggage," I told her.

"Yeah but like…what do you have that I don't already know about?"

"Well I would say liking you but I think the whole world knows about that," I laughed and she leaned forward and pressed her lips on mine before I could even process what she was trying to do. When she pulled back she looked at me but I kept my eyes glued to the water straight ahead. "What was that?"

"I've always wondered what it would be like to kiss you."

"You mean a girl?"

"No, just you. Well yeah, a girl too. But just…someone who loves me like you do."

"Like I do?"

"Yeah. You talk about me like I'm sublime and no one ever fucking does that. No one's ever made me feel like that."

"What about Shane?"

I had no idea why the fuck I even brought him up.

"What about him? He clearly doesn't care and I don't think he ever did," she said. It was what I had always wanted to hear from her but I knew I had to be smart about this.

"So now all of a sudden you want to kiss me?"

"No I have kind of always wanted to."

"Then why now? Why not before?"

"Shane really messed me up and I couldn't even think straight before. I was so attached to him I thought he was the only thing out there. And I put him on a fucking pedestal when I should have knocked him down after the first time."

"Yeah you're not big on bright decisions," I pointed out and she lightly shoved my arm.

"Shut up."

She still had her legs over mine and her hand was placed atop my bare shoulder. I wanted to ravish her right there on the dock but I refrained.

"So what do you want?" I asked. Because she already knew what I wanted. She always knew.

"I want to be loved," she answered honestly. My heart swelled and nearly beat out of my chest because I knew I could do that for her. But I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had no idea what she was really asking of me.

"I do love you."

"Good," she said and brushed my bangs away from my eyes and kissed me again. "Because I think I love you too."

She _thinks_. That should have been my cue to run but what was I supposed to do with the girl of my dreams practically sitting on my lap and throwing herself at me? I shouldn't have indulged but I couldn't help myself.

Nothing ever happened between us after that one day on the dock. And to my complete and utter displeasure they had gotten back together. And I was once again left wondering what in God's name she ever saw in him. I don't know why I didn't see it coming. It always happened.

Now I know it was very possible that she just didn't want to be with me for a number of reasons; first and foremost I am a girl and perhaps she just couldn't be attracted to me if she wanted to be. But it wasn't even that I wanted her to be with me as it was I would rather her be with _literally anyone but Shane_. I would rather her be with nobody if anything, honestly.

When they broke up again, naturally, I seriously thought it was actually going to be for good that time.

She seemed angrier than usual, not like the other times.

"I'm so sick of this," I remember her telling me in her room that night. "And he just turns everything around and makes it out to be my fault."

"It's not your fault," I said for the thousandth time.

"I know. I didn't fucking do anything and he wants to bitch and moan that I'm starting unnecessary drama? He is the biggest drama queen I know. All I ever did was love him and give him his precious fucking space every time he needed it and let him come crawling back when he changed his mind," she said. Her tears were forming, staying put right at the tips of her eyelashes. She wiped at them before they could turn into a mess on her cheeks. She was pissed off. "I should have listened to you. I should have listened every fucking time."

"Well I'm not going to tell you how to live your life Mitch. You're my best friend and I love you."

"I know. But…" she stopped and sat back down on her bed where I was. "God, how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Listen to me talk about him and then go back and just say nothing about it? I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? Don't be sorry for having feelings for someone…even if they're terrible. It's not like you can help who you love."

If irony could kill I would have been dead and buried.

"I just…I know I don't make things easy for you. And you're so patient and understanding. God, why can't Shane be like that?"

I almost rolled my eyes at that but I bit my tongue again and let her get it all out. I hated being compared to the guy but at least she was saying I was better than him. I couldn't help but think that she was being stupid about it though.

I mean, wasn't it obvious?

You want someone who is like me? Hello, here I am. I'm already in love with you.

"Shane's a man child who doesn't know how to love another person and you shouldn't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate what a perfect girl he has."

"You really think I'm perfect?" she asked both curiously and skeptically. I knew she didn't believe that she was but she had to have known that I thought she was immaculate.

Even if my perception of her was terribly skewed.

"I…" I stuttered out and she kept looking at me with those piercing eyes of her. "Yes. I do."

"But look at me, Alex. I'm such a mess."

She really was.

"We're all messes, Mitch, remember? It's okay. All these things you think are wrong with you make you who you are and I happen to love who you are."

I was shamelessly honest with her. After I drunkenly confessed my feelings that night I never felt the need to hide it unless I knew it would make her feel uncomfortable. Like when she was still with Shane.

"You're too good to me," she said and leaned down against my chest. I felt the remainder of her tears through my shirt although she had stopped actually crying. I rubbed her back and then held her loosely and sighed.

"I can't help it."

And then she kissed me, just like that day on the dock.

I knew I was too good to her. I didn't know it until much, much later though. I wish someone would have knocked some sense into me like I had tried to with her back then.

She had gone back to cutting Shane out of her life and being affectionate with me again. I should have called bullshit but I was too happy with the attention. We weren't together though. And I think that's what made me think it was all okay, her not really knowing how she felt.

I was an idiot for going along with it when I knew I was sure of my feelings but it was more than I had ever gotten from her before and I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to enjoy having her even if it wasn't completely.

She would kiss me all the time, even when we were out with others. People would ask if we were finally dating and I had to stop myself from groaning every time I told them _no we're just friends_.

What the fuck kind of friends were we?

I thought we were at least headed in the right direction though. And that's the only thing that made me okay with all of it. I thought we were going somewhere. But I should have known Shane would somehow make his fucking way back into Mitchie's life.

It was our first autumn after graduating college. Mitchie was working for a bridal company and I was still in my uncle's liquor shop not knowing what the hell I wanted to do with my life. But she still insisted it was okay and that it didn't matter if I didn't figure things out right away. She still seemed into me and I thought that was a good sign.

I had thought that was something Shane had that he always beat me in because his job was so much better than mine. Maybe she didn't really care about all that. I mean, I _did_ treat her a thousand times better than he ever did and we weren't even dating.

It was a Friday night and we were celebrating our friend Nate—Shane's younger brother—finally getting a real job and of course Shane was there too. I could feel my blood boiling at the mere mentioning of his name let alone seeing him out with all of us again. I hated him with everything I had in me and it was a challenge not to punch him in the face.

Mitchie didn't say anything about seeing him but once we were all together I could see how bothered she was by him being there. I didn't know if she was upset or annoyed or what but I knew he still could get a reaction out of her and I hated that. I didn't want him to have _any_ effect on her. He had no right, not after everything.

"Just ignore him," I had whispered to her. She turned to me and smiled as if she was completely fine.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'm here with you anyway." And she kissed me and I wondered if it was because she wanted to or because we were in his line of sight. But she had been kissing me all this time without him ever being around us, right?

I could see him staring at the two of us the entire night. And Mitchie paid not a speck of attention to him. I was thrilled. He seemed incredibly angry that I had Mitchie and he didn't. Of course I didn't actually _have_ her but it wasn't like I was going to clarify anything for that twat.

She was drunk and all over me and I found it hard to keep up with her. I was driving so I only had maybe one or two drinks in the beginning of the night but she was throwing back drink after drink and grabbing me and pushing me against walls in the back where no one could see. She had never been that…_affectionate_ with me before…not like that.

Sure we would kiss and make out but nothing sexual ever really progressed because she was still figuring things out and we were still taking things slow even after a couple of months. But the way her hot breath felt on my neck and the way her hands desperately gripped my waist I was beginning to feel like I was the one who was drunk.

Shane had tried to talk her a couple of times but she walked away after barely getting a sentence out to him and she would just come right back to me and act like it never happened. Towards the end of the night she had told me she wanted to leave and I was more than happy to take her home.

In my car on the way back she had been holding my hand while I drove us and she would kiss it every now and then.

"Are you okay to drive like this?" she had asked and I felt silly having butterflies at the simple gesture.

"Yeah."

When I reached her block it was late and the streets were completely dead at three o'clock in the morning. All the lights in all the houses were off and I had asked her if she had her keys to let her inside. She said she did and leaned over the armrest to kiss me, thanking me for driving her home.

I had started to pull back, thinking she just wanted a quick kiss goodnight, but she went right back in and kissed me again. And then again. And then again.

She moved her hands to the sides of my face and kissed me even harder the next time. I was surprised but I wasn't sure why since she was acting like that the whole night. I blindly put the car in park and shut the engine off, turning my body more to kiss her again.

There was something about her and the way her lips felt and the way her fingers pressed against my skin that made my head spin and I couldn't resist her. Even the first time I had kissed her like _that_ it was more than anything I had ever imagined. Her heavy breathing and these little noises of satisfaction that would fall from her lips every now and then drove me absolutely insane I swear to God. That was the only excuse I could come up with; I was insane.

Her hand was on my thigh, boldly inching towards my shorts and I was surprised at how _eager_ she was to touch me when she was always the one who didn't want to _push things too far_. I mean…she _was_ drunk after all.

I was just insane.

I don't know why I didn't stop her from shoving her tongue down my throat or for sliding her hand further up my shorts and rubbing my inner thigh but it felt too good to do anything about it in the moment. Obviously looking back I thought of a million things I could have done differently to stop it.

I did, however, pull back from her for a brief second but all I was able to do was breathe out a quick, "Mitch," before she ignored me and started climbing into the back seat. I wasn't a complete idiot. I knew exactly what she was thinking and I should have known better than to let her pull me along with her.

She had no idea what she was doing but God she _knew _what she was doing. She didn't hesitate to kiss me just as fiercely as before and her hands immediately found their way back to my thighs. She would bite my bottom lip and move to my neck and I thought I was going to pass out when she started undoing my shorts.

"Mitch, wait," I managed to say as she started lowering herself further down my body. "Are you sure you want this?"

I should have protested anyway when she mumbled a "shut up" against my stomach, kissing her way to my underwear. I bit my lip and tangled my fingers in her hair and completely forgot what the hell I was going to say or why.

It was something else Shane always had over me; he had slept with Mitchie and I never did. Well, I never did until that night she went down on me in the backseat of my car. I didn't know what to think of it, not that I didn't enjoy it—God did I fucking enjoy it—but I didn't know why the sudden lust when she _wasn't sure_.

I chalked it up to her being drunk. But it made me feel dirty since I was sober.

I chalked it up to her seeing Shane that night. But it made me angry so I decided to just forget about it.

I shouldn't have forgotten about it. I should have asked.

But I was insane.

She didn't bring it up after that night but she also didn't act weird around me either. She didn't seem to regret it so I thought everything was good between us although she didn't try pushing things like that again.

Like I said…I _thought_ everything was good between us.

It seems ridiculous that I would have even put up with all of that; her come and go routine when Shane would barge back into her life. I would have her slowly coming around and he would text her once saying he was sorry and she would take ten thousand steps back.

The first time she went back to him after she kissed me and told me she _thinks_ she loves me too…I should have walked away. I shouldn't have had any kind of hope when they broke up again and she came right back to me again. And I shouldn't have been surprised when it happened after we slept together.

Because of course it did.

"He said things were going to be different this time," she tried explaining to me.

"He says that _every _time Mitchie. And it's never different," I said angrily. Because at that point I had had enough.

"You don't get it Alex…"

"What's not to get? You're just going to let him use you and then leave you and then come back when it's convenient? Who the fuck lets someone…" I trailed off and it hit me. Jesus Christ it hit me so goddamn hard I nearly lost my balance. "Holy shit, I'm you," I said.

"What?"

"Oh my _God_ I can't believe how fucking stupid I am."

"What are you talking about?"

"Here I am telling you to not fall for it and yet I'm just as dumb as you are. You're doing the same thing!"

"_How_ am I doing the same thing?" she asked incredulously.

"You're just as bad as he is!"

"No. Don't you dare try to pull that, Alex. You know I'm not like Shane."

"You're _exactly_ like Shane! And I'm exactly like you! Fuck, you'd think things would be a _little_ different because I'm your best friend but I guess not."

"That's not true and you know it. You _know_ I care about you. You are my best friend-"

"Oh don't even."

"What?"

"Don't."

"_What_?"

"Friends my ass. You _know_ how I feel about you and you never felt the same! You just wanted me because I was there. Friends don't do that to each other okay. They don't take advantage of their feelings. They don't use them. They don't kiss them. And they certainly don't _fuck_ _them_ in the back of their car. But none of that matters, right Mitch?"

"That's not fair," she said quietly. I seemed to have struck a nerve. She looked upset.

"None of this is fair. And you're just going to go back to him anyway, aren't you?" I asked and she said nothing. "Aren't you?" I repeated a little louder and I noticed she was crying.

"Don't do this, Alex."

"Unbelievable."

"Alex," she choked out but I couldn't feel guilty for her tears.

"You two deserve each other. You're the exact same fucking person. And I somehow ended up falling for it too. But unlike you, I'm done."

"Wait what?" she asked sadly. "No."

"So who are you going to run to this time when he's done with you?"

"Alex I'm sorry-"

"You can't just play around with my emotions. Don't fuck with my feelings just because you're unsure of your own. I may be your best friend but I'm not here at your disposal. I don't know why I'm even letting this get to me. We were never even together. You made that very clear every time and-"

"You're right."

"About what?"

"It's not fair to you. I know how it feels and I never wanted to hurt you. But please," she begged with a shaky voice. "Please don't leave me."

"It shouldn't take me walking out on you for you to come around. And you and I both know you're going to go back to him. I'm just telling you now that you don't get to come back to me too."

"Not even as a friend?" she asked and the hurt in her eyes was unbearable. I sighed and shook my head. "We'll work this out Alex…_please_."

She needed the comfort and the stability. And I was done being her stand in when Shane wasn't there anymore. It's hard going back to the way things were after everything but she left me no choice. We both needed to realize what was best for us. And even though I thought I was what was best for her, I knew she wasn't what was best for me.

"Maybe, I don't know. But you want to be loved, Mitch," I told her. "And I just can't do that for you anymore. It hurts too much. And I'm tired of letting you hurt me." She called out to me before I could finally walk away.

"Alex!" I turned back around. Her face was exhausted and desperate. She didn't know what else to say. And neither did I. I felt bad, and I hated that I did, but I didn't know what to do. "I'm sorry."

"I know," I said. "So am I."

* * *

**idk, ****ending's open for interpretation. you can pretend she went back to her or you can pretend she didn't. don't matter**

**anyway**

**let me know what you think? yes?**

**yes**


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